Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
