I can tuck mytits in my pants
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize