I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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