Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
