If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
