:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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