Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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