so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
