Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
