i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
