It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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