I accidentally burped into my bong.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My dad just said "fuck circus"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
