I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
this is an emotional support booty call
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
