Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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