he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I didn't notice because vodka
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
