Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
