just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
