btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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