im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
