Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
