I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
