OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
