Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
