I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize