I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
