why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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