I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
