the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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