I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
