she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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