I bet he comes in French.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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