Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
