Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
