Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
