i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
