Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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