just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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