dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
