You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
