It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
