the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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