I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
no, he came in my armpit
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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