I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw a hot homeless man
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize