I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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