I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
