He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
