dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
