he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
