Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
