DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I supernannyed him into submission
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
