we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
jump out the window naked night went bad
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