He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
