Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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