John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
