Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize