you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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