I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
