So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize