her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
